Letting Go


Today I had one of those reality check sort of days.
You know, those type of days that you get hit hard with all sorts of truths that you don't want to hear but you really need to hear.
Those types of days where your called out on things that you don't want to get called out on but need to be called out on.
That was today.
And frankly, it was good...really, really good.
You guys, I really struggle with letting go of things.
It's definitely something I've always had a hard time dealing with, especially when it comes to my faith.
It's not that I don't trust God,
But sometimes I doubt myself and I doubt others.
Sometimes I feel that maybe I'm too rash on making decisions and don't seek enough solution in prayer. Then I doubt and wonder and freak myself out about the decision I made.
Other times I feel I place myself in a position where I'm "stuck," and I freak out and try to find a means of escape. An excuse. A reason. I put way to many boundaries up because sometimes I just don't trust enough.
I also don't like it when things don't go my way, or the way I feel they should, I become unhappy and look for an easy fix or any easy out. I try to change life to go as I think it should go.
I like control.
Correction, I love control.
I love knowing what exactly lies ahead.
I like a sure thing.
I like exact times on my schedule because I crave consistency.
I like knowing D will be home exactly at 830 because he said he should be home at 830.
I like knowing things ahead of time and planning for those things ahead of time.
Don't get me wrong, I do like change, but I don't like change when it's something I don't think it should be.
I don't like when bad decisions are made.
And you know,
Instead of looking at God's opportunities in a situation or seeing the good in the bad,
I get pessimistic.
I get hurtful.
I get angry.
I get bitter.
It's really an ugly side of me, but I'm not going to hide it, because it's a part of me I know I need to fix and sometimes the first steps to fixing a problem is admitting you have a problem.
So guys,
I have an issue with control and I really suck at letting go.
But thank God for good friends who call me out when I need called out.
Today I went to go see my friend Richelle.
Richelle's an incredible girl.
She's funny and passionate and has probably one of the deepest relationships with God I know.
She knows what I've been going through and she knows that I needed to hear some truth in my life.
And the thing I respect about her most is she was willing to tell me about it even though she knew I would take it personally and emotionally; she knew our friendship was deep enough that she could speak truth into my life and know it would not harm or effect our relationship.
She started off with prayer-a prayer for me and prayer for her- a prayer that I could hear truth and prayer that she would only speak truth.
She then proceeded to tell me we're both alike.
We both have been placed into tough situations and it will all depend on our attitudes in how we will work through these situations.
If we want to change things we have to pray about things; if we want to change things, we have to first change ourselves.
And she ended with this,
God doesn't ever put things in our lives for us to backtrack on. Instead he gives us doors to open so we can constantly be moving forward. Sometimes we face difficult things because they will eventually help us change so we can face those same things when they approach us in the future.
 ...but we'll never change and we'll never grow unless we learn to let go.
We'll never progress until we learn how to give it all up and trust God with our life and our future.
And we'll never learn our full potential if we we keep trying to take control of our own circumstances.

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  1. Heidi,
    Praying for you! This ugly side also sprouts its little head in my life as well..and yeah, it sucks when things don't go the way we think they should! You are great for being so honest about this issue, because I know we all struggle with it! love you so much! school is almost over for me...let's meet soon!

    1. Thanks dear! I would love to see you, I've been thinking about you a lot lately-- let's plan something!

  2. oh man, this totally hit home. I am a control freak. I also have to remind myself every single day that I'm not the one in control ... God is. I'm so glad I read this post this morning. a great way to start the day. ;)

    1. I agree, after writing that last night I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders!


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