The Hopewell House

I don't typically choose a word or phrase for the New Year, but this year I decided to choose one & I decided to go with "vulnerability." 

I don't usually struggle with being vulnerable...as long as I know that everything is going to turn out fine. 

When I've made it through my struggles & come out a survivor/fighter, it's then that I'm fine sharing my story. 

This year I want to be more open with my struggles, when things aren't figured out or when I'm still going through the journey of figuring things out. 

Today was a struggle. 

Sunday mornings are hard when you're a pastor's wife. 

I had a needy toddler & needy dogs & I just felt like I was paddling to stay afloat. 

I felt like my patience was being tested & frankly I felt like I failed as a mother. 

I lost my cool with the dogs & I about lost my cool with my toddler. 

I had thoughts creeping in saying, "you can barely handle one kid right now, what makes you think you can handle or even deserve two?" 

You see, we've been still struggling with infertility & here in the upcoming months, we'll go through another embryo transfer. 

And I'm so scared for so many reasons. 

I'm scared things won't take. I'm scared we'll just invest all this money into something that won't work. I'm scared something will go horribly wrong even if things do take. I'm scared for of what it means if I do have another & when I struggle with moments like today, what kind of parent will I be if I have two? Am I fit for this? Do I deserve this? 

These thoughts start to creep in, that have so many times before (& I feel tend to be common with infertility)- maybe I couldn't get pregnant (again) naturally because I've done something wrong...maybe I just don't deserve this...I'm a failure...my body is once again is a failure cause I thought, maybe having one would trigger something...am I unworthy of anything more... & as I struggled this morning, things still had to get done, I still had to make it to church. 

And as I sat through church this morning, I was remind about grace- that God's doing within me what I can't do myself- 

Heidi, remember, you are deserving of grace. 

And I was reminded that I'm not alone- it's so easy to feel alone & to silently struggle, but the reality is, I'm not alone- 

Heidi, remember community, remember that you are part of a body. 

After church, one of the sweet ladies came up to me, hugged me, and said, "I'm praying for you." 

If only she knew just how dearly those words meant this morning. 

And I was reminded of peace- God is with me. 

In these moments I just need to breathe in peace & trust God has me through this process. 

Heidi, will you find peace in trusting me?

And as church ended, we were asked "how is it with your soul?" And that hit me hard. 

And the next song started, and it's like these words dug into my very most being:

Far be it from me to not believe

Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me

Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

Through it all, through it all

It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him

The waves and wind still know His name.

It is well with my soul

After church, I decided I needed a redo, so I grabbed a cup of coffee, brought Phoenix home, put him down for a nap, and I just sat. 

When I looked at my coffee cup, I noticed the word "joy" - a reminder to choose joy, not just in those good, easy moments, but in all situations. 

Like today. 

So the fear isn't completely gone today, the struggle of infertility still silently looms overhead, but today I'm choosing to walk in joy, I'm remembering grace, and I'm breathing in peace. 

And I'm taking it a step at a time. 

The reality is, I could sure use prayers today & this month especially.