The Butterfly Effect

Butterfly Effect: 
the sensitive dependence on initial conditions in which a small change at one place in a deterministic nonlinear system can result in large differences in a later state

Is it weird that I think about the butterfly effect all the time?
Seriously, I find myself constantly thinking back on moments in my life and wondering what would have happened if I would have changed just one thing in my life; where would I be now if I had changed a certain situation or if I had chosen differently during a crucial moment in my life?
I know it's the hard, difficult times that make us who we are, but sometimes I just wonder what life would be like if I had chosen things differently.
Would I still be in this moment if i had made different decisions?
Would I be sitting here now in Ohio writing a blog post?
Would I have married D?
Heck, would I have even met D?
What about who I am?
Would I even be the same me?

I think back on people I hurt and there are times I just want to go back and fix it all; to not hurt those people I loved or care for.
I think back on moments I would have been more understanding, more loving, more compassionate.
There are times I think about how I wasn't there for a friend or family and should have been; gosh, this one probably eats at me the most.
There's a few specific moments I still have a hard time letting go.
There are days I think about idiotic and stupid decisions I made that I feel like an idiot now when I look back on those times.
I think we all secretly wish we could fix those kind of moments.
And there are times I wish so much I could go back in time and be the confident person I feel like I am now, because I know in middle and high school I definitely wasn't.
Oh, I would love the idea of going back and saying just the right thing at just the right time or to simply stick up for myself. I was never really good and standing behind beliefs.

I know, I know,
Ultimately, I really don't want to change a thing.
I really love my life and I truly feel so very blessed and if going back and changing something would alter that, well, I wouldn't even want to sacrifice that.
I know those weak moments made me strong, and I know those insecure moments made me confident.
I know that growing from my mistakes made me who I am today,
I don't know.
I just wish sometimes I could just at least see what would happen if i could have change things.
Who would I be today because of it?
Where would I be because of it?

It's definitely something to think about.

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1 comment:

  1. You are not alone, friend. I think about that quite often. Know you are loved, and I'm SO GLAD you came to Ohio. You are a gem :)


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